And I'm Feelin' Good

		YINLING ♥ \| \| Birds flying high You know how I feel Sun in the sky You know how I feel Reeds driftin' on by You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good

CHATTERBOX DECLARATIONS Let me think for a bit eh WISHFUL hmm ~~hmm~~ more hmmm RUNAWAY In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight REWIND August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 June 2009 CREDITS Desiger/edited by: Milk shakeee Basecode: doughnutcrazy Music: LALALA! Icon: Picture Cbox: Tag		raggedy muse 10:10 PM I Know I'll Be Alive. A Freedom Fighter. A Terrorist. A Love Of Life. A submission under the Fear Of Death. A Draw Of Breath. A desperate lack of air. A Flutter Of Wings, A dying moment. Love At First Sight. Dillusionment at second glance. A second lost, A moment immortalised. And this is a mere portion of what I scribbled in GP as I was supposed to write my essay on Terrorism, trying desperately not to fall asleep. where there is hatred, let me sow love; where there is injury, pardon; where there is doubt, faith; where there is despair, hope; where there is darkness, light; and where there is sadness, joy. grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood, as to understand; to be loved, as to love; God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. - Saint Francis Prayer of Peace, The Serenity Prayer. I may not be christian, but regardless, these prayers moved me. They were read out, first by my secondary school principal, and once more by Mrs Chan. Miss J, read out the Saint Frances Prayer of Peace during this morning's devotions. A gospel against all negative thoughts. Thoughts of Self-Consciousness, Thoughts of Insecurity, Self-Pity. As I sometimes sing. Am I not pretty enough Is my heart too broken Do I cry too much Am I too outspoken Don't I make you laugh Should I try it harder Why do you see right through me I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break I crave, I love, I've waited long enough I try as hard as I can I laugh, I feel, I make believe it's real I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees I hope, I stand, I take it like a man I try as hard as I can You can't know the smiles and agony you cause me inside. raggedy muse 8:03 PM Motto For The Following Week: I WILL SURVIVE. ACJC J1 DEP CLASS OF 2008 in RGS foyer. 2 loyalties combined, no? (: raggedy muse 9:50 PM I Want A Herd Of Cattle Back From India. Why can't I dance for heavens sake. Sigh. THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS. Smile and move on. raggedy muse 11:43 PM I Can't Think Of A Title Cos My Brain Is Pretty Fried. There has been many points of reflection these few days. Maybe I should go through it systematically. Then again, I'm never systematic. So I shall just go where my pen takes me (well yeah, its a figure of speech alright.) As George Bernard Shaw said, 'I never invent a plot: I let the play write itself and shape itself, which it always does even when up to the last moment I don't forsee the way out.' As for now, all I forsee is possible ecstasy, depresssion, exasperation or pur dullness. It could go all ways I swear. I would like to write something really intellectual. Perhaps something sentimental and ethereal. Perhaps something quirky. Really, it should just be as cryptic as possible so it won't be so easy for my readers (however limited) to guess my emotions so easily. But cryptic is tiring. Inneundos and allusions and metaphors are literari-ly draining. Maybe I should start of with this small episode. We got out from tapestry rehearsal, and helluva we ran down the bleachers onto the field in the middle of the track, screaming and prancing in darkness. My, the enveloping darkness and open sky in the cool air was so refreshing. And we just needed to let off all the pent up emotion, exasperation, happiness that has littered the past 7 months in JC. Verbalisation is always the way to go. Pent up inside me was the happiness since coming to AC. Its the sense of fufilment, the sense of being loved, the sense of belonging to something somewhere, the feeling of self-security, the freedom to let my craziness run astray, that I have possibly experienced before, but not in such quantities and intensity. Bottled inside was the sense of impending increasing pressure, of the impending arrival of being squeezed. The mounting amount of involvement in drama, the mounting commitment, mounting reliance, mounting expectations. The mounting amount of homework, the mounting requirements. The mounting dire need to multi-task and to over-achieve. Somewhere deeper down inside was the sense of longing, the longing to feel as intensely as I once had before. The longing to fall so hard and so far down I couldn't possibly fathom climbing out of. The longing to hurt so bad that I would bawl my eyes out. The longing to be felt about in the same way too. The longing for someone, something. Its been too long. Perhaps the VPS (Violent Passion Surrogate) out of the World State in 'Brave New World' would do the trick. But again, I digress. And there, I scream. Shout, in a supported manner, using my diaphram properly in a grounded position mind you. And all the way from my inch-below-navel, I scream it out. My bottle was far from bursting, it really wasn't filled to the limit. It's a relatively happy bottle. But its good to let it out once in a while, no? AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. And I become comfortably numb. raggedy muse 12:52 PM I Want A Coin-Operated Boy. If only a coin-operated boy were true. Yes, where all the pleasures can be derived night and day at my own convenience. No thank you, I'm not referring to a dildo by the way. If only emotional pleasures were as easily obtained as physical ones. If only my unexplained(well I do know what is causing it in fact, shh) periods of intense stoned-ness and sian-ness and lethargy (actually it could be partially attributed to my previous sickness and period, but still.) could be easily cured. I get quite affected when I sense that people detest me or dislike me. As if they were repelled from me. I think I've won back certain people who for a very short period of time emitted the vibes that say 'I don't like you. Stay away.' I'm happy for that. But it has recently come to my knowledge that someone whom I have barely interacted with has declared that she doesn't like me. Its inconsequential I suppose, it would not directly affect any of my prospects or friendships if she didn't like me. But still. Gah. I do feel pretty damn dumb. For unmentionable reasons. I think its serious, so much so it hurts. Not good, not one bit good. And possibly not one bit worth it. But I'm feeling lots better now. I love my friends did I mention that. Friends who will take the effort to be concerned about my unexplained depression, friends who bother to cast their eyes heaven-bound and back to the ground again, friends who can immediately guess my worries. Friends who are wacky, kooky, so freaking adorable it hurts. Friends who I know without a doubt I can trust with my unmentionable secrets. Friends who I don't mind whining and appearing at my most stupid, crazy and vulnerable in front of, because I know they might stare at me throught the slit of their eyes but still love me anyhow. Friends who are closet perverts and sex-crazed. Friends who people will pay good money for to see in a hot pink high slit cheongsam. Friends who I can speak in crazy accents with. Friends who have a BMI of 16.1 (HAHA.) Friends I can call up and complain about being depressed and hungry 11 times each for 48 mins straight. Yes that's you. You and you and you. I LOVVVEEEE YOUUUUU MUAAAKK MUUUAAAKKKK MUAAAAAKKKKK. And life is going pretty much well. If only something in particular would go a little better. But we can't be greedy, no? raggedy muse 9:48 PM It Figures. Its been more than a week of slogging for the J2s in their A level drama exams, and another week to go. My skin's breaking out, and I still HAVE NOT WATCHED TRANSFORMERS. After this week, it'll be back to school, or to 'Civilisation' as De Wei calls it (YES DARLING, I miss you too. (:) But it means stuff like PW EoM is due, GP stuff due, LIT HW DUE. Which I have not touched by the way. It means actually coming to school in school uniform instead of blacks, which has been our standard attire for the past month or so. It means, GETTING BACK TERM RESULTS, and the Imminent Departure Of Mr Ibrahim off to Uni in London. His absence shall be felt and his random-ness shall be missed. And right now I'm feeling groggy and drowsy from the meds. I slept from 10am to 1.30, and 4pm-6pm, thanks to the meds. Whee. I apologise for my incoherence. raggedy muse 8:32 PM You're Looking At Perfection. MY BRACES HAVE COME OFF. And their surfaces feel real smooth now. Whee. Its been days in the theatre again. Feeling like a rabbit because of the rabbit-tish food I've been consuming. i.e. yogurt, raisin bread, watermelon, slivers of chicken. Had RICE and SOUP for lunch today though so very happy. And it feels really nice to sit next to someone, and feeling the heaving of the other person's breathing. Feeling your own breath go in sync or alternate to his breathing. It'll probably never amount to anything. Not because, but becuse. But for now. And no, you shan't find out who it is. Because.