And I'm Feelin' Good

		YINLING ♥ \| \| Birds flying high You know how I feel Sun in the sky You know how I feel Reeds driftin' on by You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good

CHATTERBOX DECLARATIONS Let me think for a bit eh WISHFUL hmm ~~hmm~~ more hmmm RUNAWAY In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight REWIND August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 June 2009 CREDITS Desiger/edited by: Milk shakeee Basecode: doughnutcrazy Music: LALALA! Icon: Picture Cbox: Tag		raggedy muse 8:19 PM guess what happened today? heh heh, i blacked out during consumer chem. ^.^v i cut my finger trying to get my plastic weight out of the darn beaker. and kinda got really faint while washing it at the sink. i didn't even realise i blacked out, i don't remember falling to the floor. the cut wasn't even deep or anything, it barely hurt. :P my first time blacking out. whee. ok, well it wasn't that great, terrible headache after the blood returns to the brain. fangxun is a terrible friend. she just found it amusing. haha. i think i freaked val out though. heh. the news spread really fast, cos fang just walked down the corridor and announced to anyone we both knew. one by one: "yinling! you fainted in the lab?!" -.- I WAS FINE. haha. --- well. how should i start this. hmm. hmmmm. alright. here it goes. why did i love him for him. (isn't it odd the way everyone says fall in love? why not float into love? why fall? is it some connotation of hmm, vulnerability? pain? being unable to pull oneself out? plummeting into? hey, i tripped and fell for you. hee.) i never really said it out loud. i really liked how he was witty and funny, and oddly irritating in a cute way, that was really what got me to like him in the first place. one level deeper, he was intelligent, mature, with an excellent grasp of language and concepts, appreciation and understanding for literature, good movies, and had a certain depth that was more than one dimensional. there was something more complex under that goofy exterior, something dark perhaps, but acknowledging the dark side and understanding the shadows lurking in one-self he did. perhaps it intrigued me. perhaps i wanted to bring some light to it. really, i just longed to delve deeper, to be pulled in. above this was the way he made me feel good about myself, the way he let me feel loved. i truely did feel loved. it was the attention, the going along with me without complaints. it was the sweet and gentlemanly actions. really, it made me melt. i honestly just wanted to be close to him, for as long as possible. more importantly, over-arching all these, was the way he treated people, his character on the whole, evident in the great friends he had, whom he loved and was loved in return by. still does and is i would think. oh yes, i fell, i fell hard. i didn't exactly realise i did, till late. i think i subconsciously knew it all along, but i only began to realise it concretely on the last outing. of course, i didn't know that it would be the last. i made some subconcious actions, and when i realised i what i did, only then it hit me, to what extent i fell. it was really beautiful to me, as short-lived as it was. almost dream-like, or as if a magical illusion. maybe it was because nothing ever really solidified. it was, technically, nothing. but all this nothing, has meant more to me than so many other somethings. it really did hurt. it was 'being so close, and having so much to say, and having to watch you walk away, never knowing what could have been'. i never really got to know him. not truely, not deeply enough. the times spent really were magical, the times in between hard to bear, never really did get to spend so much time together. the times after even harder. i wanted so badly what i could no longer have. then again, there is perhaps value in it ending where it did. that way, it remains transcendent and above the savages of realities that ravage many loving relationships, and in a odd sense, remains a shrine or rather retains the basic and pure essence of what love is or should be. what ever that may be. haha, i am just desperately trying to find the ray of light to what were pretty dark days. but there is truth in that no doubt. what happened, was as if the lighting of sparklers. the flame comes into contact, in a moment, it ignites. it burns and sparkles in its small brilliance, its ethereal quality entrancing, almost magical, and one can't help but immerse him or herself in it's beauty, feeling like a child once again, and can't help but grin while waving that small ounce of brilliance, which belongs to you, and such a joy to behold. it burns, it sparkles, drawing one in even more. then before you can get enough of it's joy and beauty, it dies, still in its brilliance only a moment ago, without a sign or indication. magical, but short-lived. leaving one yearning for more, in longing for that brilliance and joy once more. thats why sparklers come in huge boxes, we can never get enough. we light one after another. too bad love doesn't come in multi-packs. heh heh. it really was heart-wrenching, yearning for something that you can no longer hold. that searing desire, which could not be quenched. that love which could not be shelved. do i still love him? probably. because if we look at it inside out, what's there not to love? but it no longer matters. it has been a choice that i have no other option but to accept and respect. i don't have to understand it. i do understand that i should not and cannot desire the unattainable any longer. and i no longer hope. i have watched him walk away. doesn't it sound quite heartless? haha. and a little bit of the ache is seeping back as i type this, but no matter. now the veil of emotion has been lifted, once again optimistic vision has returned to my usual happy self. i am sure that there are more beautiful, magical things waiting out there in space and time for me. it may never be the same, but who has to ask for a homogeneous set of experiences. it was unforgettable, and i will never forget. i just have to let go. there is nothing to hold on to. and this is closure. and that was my first love for you. (heh heh, so eeky) tata~!