And I'm Feelin' Good

Tiredofwaitin'

HIT ME.

		YINLING ♥ \| \| Birds flying high You know how I feel Sun in the sky You know how I feel Reeds driftin' on by You know how I feel It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me And I'm feeling good

CHATTERBOX DECLARATIONS Let me think for a bit eh WISHFUL hmm ~~hmm~~ more hmmm RUNAWAY In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight REWIND August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 May 2007 June 2007 July 2007 August 2007 September 2007 October 2007 November 2007 December 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 July 2008 August 2008 September 2008 October 2008 June 2009 CREDITS Desiger/edited by: Milk shakeee Basecode: doughnutcrazy Music: LALALA! Icon: Picture Cbox: Tag		raggedy muse 9:47 PM taboo been reading some people's blogs. why are some people so down and out? haha, am i not too. a little. but i try hard to keep emotions above a certain level. you think about the things that make you feel down, and then you think about everything else that really isn't half bad. and face it, many of us are still extremely lucky people. but i guess it doesn't hurt to whine and grumble if it gets it off your chest. it is in essence, a diary. 心情日记。 i decided i don't like the term 'emo'. its so... sweeping. it undermines emotions as, well waste of time. it degrades the true value of expression, being sad, or down, or when emotions and thoughts well up. it is though, a convenient term to use to refer to such explosions of emotion. never thought it would be this heart-wrenching to miss someone this badly, especially if you probably won't see the person again, not anytime soon anyway, and can't exactly talk much to the person either. ok, not exactly so theatric as heart-wrenching, but well somewhere along the lines of feeling a teeny little empty most of the time, all the time in fact. its as if there is this towering foot-thick wall forcefully plonked in between. and there is little that can be done about it. how to, when you know there is love but can't show any sliver of it. its taboo. and if one can't stop thinking, well then too bad for me. and then it goes on for some time, and you wonder if you actually knew that person. "do i know you? have we met somewhere before?"(in perfectly articulated british english) 那昔日璀璨的光芒，瞬间变成如此灰暗，犹如日光怎么照也照不透。如今往日那笑容的无限源头，只能化为心中的一个空洞，仍然轻轻的波动着我的心跳 and i put myself in your shoes and i think i understand. and i step back in mine, and it doesn't make a difference to what i feel. it only hurts bacause i love you. that's the only reason. that would have counted for what would be termed as an 'emo' entry. taboo. i know i shouldn't be doing this, but why can't i. --------------------------------- it was raining super duper heavily again. hahas, was kinda amusing the way we hugged under the umbrella trudging from cine to somerset mrt. and er making high-pitched noises while we were at it. i didn't even know the girl well, but its alright, it was amusing. watched devil wears prada, ok movie. i was freezing in the theatre as usual. and then walked from mrt back home in the rain. whee. loves joo joo for lending me money, I WILL REPAY U. yay. who ever said singapore is hot, has a highly skewed view of our global city, air-conditioned island. its cold most of the time in singapore, for we have become so reliant on air-conditioning, that it is essential in any indoor facility of any kind. and at full-blast it really can get really cold. especially today, as it was raining so heavily, it was really chilly at home. a good way to warm yourself, use a hairdryer and blow in down your shirt. haha. it works. "would someone warm me up? its cold in here, it really is" So, so you think you can tell Heaven from Hell, Blue skys from pain. Can you tell a green field From a cold steel rail? A smile from a veil? Do you think you can tell? And did they get you to trade Your heros for ghosts? Hot ashes for trees? Hot air for a cool breeze? Cold comfort for change? And did you exchange A walk on part in the war For a lead role in a cage? How I wish, how I wish you were here. We're just two lost souls Swimming in a fish bowl, Year after year, Running over the same old ground. What have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here. raggedy muse 1:23 PM 雨天天空又在哭泣泪洒满地无怨无悔的回忆抱在怀里，放弃烙在地面的泪迹只能随着雨，流离我的心，也跟着滴 another rainy rainy day. but not feeling especially low, more so detached, to observe the rain falling in front of me. i was seriously not thinking straight today, took the bus the wrong side twice in a day. once going to ikea, once coming back. hahahahaha. funny. but not really angry at myself, i actually didn't really mind doing so. maybe cos it gave me time to clear my thoughts, which are as blur, twisted and un-straighten-able as ever. had lots of time to just stare while waiting for dad to pick me. stare at the falling rain. and the people. and the buses. and my cold feet. i shouldn't have worn sleeveless. just soaking in. literally. wish i had my cam to take it all down. then again if it got wet, ha. Strumming my pain with his fingers Singing my life with his words killing me softy with his song killing me softly with his song telling my whole life with his words killing me softly with his song 我会好好的花还香香的世界一直去回忆真美丽我是想着你一直想着你你在我心底，变成了秘密到现在还是深深的深深的爱着你是爱情的友情的都可以那是我心中的幸福我知道他苦苦的要给你远方的祝福我知道他苦苦的 when you hear the people sing singing the songs of angry men that is the sound of the people who will not be slaves again when the beating of your heart echoes the beating of the drums that is ... (fill in blanks) TILL TOMORROW COMES raggedy muse 11:21 AM its a happy happy day. hums i would whistle if i could, but i can't whistle. my whole family can but i can't. always get laughed at. haha. why is it a happy day? no reason. hee. maybe cos i can do anything i want, almost anything. lala. but lots of people have that freedom and yet aren't happy. my hair smells nice! used a different conditioner. my hair is getting pretty long, but i want to leave it lonnnggeerr. a tiny fraction of the pictures taken yesterday. realised that i have been wearing the pinafore for close to 10 years now. that is about two-thirds of my life in that blue apron-inspired pleated thing. soon it shall be goodbye. i swear i have enough photos with zerui in them to make a full photo album. hahah, she was the only live target for photos yesterday. unfortunately it is pretty hard to take pictures of myself, and since there was only the two of us, heh heh. not to worry, there is always her cam. someone teach me how to create a online photo album. off to laze with my mum in bed watching tv. whee. raggedy muse 10:16 PM oh yes the exams are over. wooo. spent the whole day from 10am to 6.30pm with zerui, loitering around everywhere from orchard, mainly cityhall(esplanade, fullerton, suntec, citylink, you name it we went there) to raffles place. spent most of the time sitting, doing nothing(oh yes a substantial amount of the time went here), walking and talking. oh yeah, picture taking:D hahahaha. at times moods were low, but its always ok when a good friend is with you. you know you are truly comfortable with someone when silence is not uncomfortable. now that exams are over, there is kind of a 'lost' feeling, but at least there is no more guilt when i can't concentrate on studying. yay. wonder how options will be like, shall choose soon whee. heng singapore poly is near my house. tug-of-war still ensues, as is for most people most of the time. i have decided that well life is absolutely to go on (come on move move life, i need new stimulation, desperately. its getting boring.), but i don't have to force my heart to move anywhere as yet. no use trying to push and tug on it, it ain't gonna work, i might as well just accept it, its actually easier. 对自己诚实，and throw away denial. that's one less tug-of-war to bother with. and one less thing to agonise about. you can't lie to yourself. self-denial is of the worst form. i realised that it is okay to stay where i am (in certain aspects), it really is okay. there's nothing wrong, and i don't have to beat myself over it. so long as i am not obsessed or imposing (which i hope to god i never will be. correction: i'm sure i never will be) so till my heart blackens and withers due to lack of oxygen, and is reborn like a phoenix from the flames, it shall just keep beating here. till it combusts (which could occur for several possible reasons and in several manners), its not moving unless it tells me it wants to. there is no alternative. purely because there isn't. now that's one thing out of the way. it is the other inevitable part that comes with this inevitable conclusion that might be harder to handle. ok fine. will with no doubt be hell to handle. but i think i am becoming better at it. i think. i shall try to be happy most of the time, even when a wave hits. i think i am already achieving it, to a certain extent. it doesn't take all that much for me to be happy, and i have grown from past experience to disallow self-doubt, self-pity and wallowing, at most bits at a time and snap. its almost like an in-built firewall system. not fool-proof though. but it always reboots. there is i think no hope. there is still that tiny piece of me that.. but hope or no hope doesn't really change much of what my heart screams to myself. doesn't change my conclusion either. sighh, i lament about the fact that i am such a fool. am thoroughly grateful though that i am a balanced fool. i hope i am. there might be repercussions saying all this, but well, i have done more before. it can't get much worse than it already is anyway. and it shouldn't have to, and just shouldn't, i strongly believe so. this is more for myself anyway, or i may burst or become unbalanced. this is an essential pressure outlet. now i can only wait for time to do its thing, either to kill my heart, combust it, reignite it, smother it or soothe it, if any of these ever happen. for now, i'll live. :) (then again sometimes i ask, whether it will be capable of doing so?) and i pray the same for you, and hope that someday not too far away,you will allow me to be there for you, and you to be there for me too, in whatever capacity. (am i asking too much? hm) till the next next tug-of-war occurs and the chance that i may just change my mind about this, though unlikely, i can't get a heart transplant for no reason, tata. or till i have more to crap and add on. lala. SLACK AND TV TIME :D raggedy muse 8:55 PM this was purely a phenomena caused by pre-exam stress woooooooooooooo. tmr is the last paper of the eoys!! i can't believe i made it in one piece. ok, i probably will be shredded to pieces in math tmr, but don't really care any more. wheeee. i have caused zerui to go off mushrooms for quite a long while i think. hahahahahahaha. our math mugging session at esplanade library was somewhat productive, digressing many times on our common topic of 'interest', but still mostly doing math. i will wing math tmr with the limited and extremely basic grasp of concepts. wheee. ahhh, wind at the bay at esplanade is extremely nice. while listening to emo songs on ze's mp3. hahaha. still love and adore cityhall. WHAT ARE WE DOING TMR TO CELEBRATE ZEEEEEEEEE. hahaha. we still haven't come up with something to do. hmmm, not really sad. 期望不高，失落感也自然不大。realised something regarding song lyrics today. welll. i'll try not to read too much into it. (rite. :P) oh man, i am totally disregarding my math. heeee. wish i could do something to cheer you up. wish i could do something to let you have more faith in yourself. wish i could do so much more. oooooooohh. and there was this extttrrreeemmmeeellllyyy adorable little girl at esplanade bay, in this cake-like dress with different shades of pink, tottering around. heeeeeeee. can't help but smile. :) i am not a paedo. and mr dentist says my teeth are straightening fast. my bottom teeth are basically straight already. they weren't very crooked in the first place, but still. yay. considering taking up a certain endeavour. so far nods from sister and ze. considering considering. :D i need to go take passport photo, make my ezlink card which was stolen along with my wallet (which dear alvin bought the exact same one back for me, so i am still carrying that pink thing, too bad fang :D), fill up all the application forms to acjc and drama elective and photocopy results slips etc etc. and enquire about KI and chinese. ahhh, paperwork. should i take history?????? hmmmmmmm. raggedy muse 9:09 PM sitting, waiting, wishing, missing... give up on chinese. math is screwed. wheee. it'll soon all be overrrrr. raggedy muse 8:32 AM it looks earlier than it actually is. its cold like in the 6-plus hour. didn't do anything yesterday, so today has to be uber-productive. went for one of those CC dinners with the extended family yesterday night, you know those sort that go wedding-dinner-style with the way of serving food, but its outdoors and there is a kinda getai thing or karaoke going on in front. the attendence list mainly includes older hokkien-speaking people, a few kids like us going along for a table of 10, and weird MPs as guest of honours. yesterday's was a national day celebration dinner, so there was a big stage, and those fan thingies which spray water vapour along with it, 2 projection screens, and professional getai performers to perform, unlike the usual karaoke where you listen to people who can't sing screech. my father concludes, the more a person can't sing, the more he/she likes to sing. such a dinner is a highly strange phenomenon. everyone is really much more interested in eating and chatting among themselves, and yet the MP has to make a speech about our rising GDP, many new jobs yet people are complaining of lack of jobs so we shouldn't be choosy, err, dropping birth rates etc. while the sharks fin soup was being served. in english and chinese, which the hokkien-speaking majority probably couldn't really understand anyway. i suppose i was the only one listening. many just aren't greatly interested in the country's affairs as long as it doesn't really affect them on the personal level. ss has sorta inculcated that in me. OMG SS WORKS though i suppose its largely more for our school's ss syllabus and assessment methods, which err defers from the o level syllabus almost totally. back to the dinner. we were even made to stand and sing the national anthem and pledge, reasonable for a national day dinner, but well, most weren't doing so. the performances were interesting too, an array of hokkien singers, malay and indian dances, OH YEAH, there was lion dance at the start, along with the malay and indian drums. the indian drums are cooool. heh. but more interesting was the indian and malay singers who sang and spoke in better-than-many-chinese chinese and hokkien. and the pre-pubescent was it G2 girls or something strutting their stuff in high pitched voices on stage. ok fine, they weren't pre-pubescent, quite developed actually, (14? ahh, but you can't really tell these days, kids are developing faster) but it was still slightly disturbing in their tight leather/black inspired outfit. dancing around with xiao mei mei was fun. thats my grandma in the background cute isn't she! :D raggedy muse 9:46 AM fever, in the morning fever all through the night.. till you sizzle.. gahh.lazy to start math. but if i don't it would be equivalent to digging the grave for my gpa. whee. i got new colours for my braces. they are now light and dark purple. :) unchain my heart, baby set me free.. my butt is so going to get bigger from sitting here all day doing nothing but staring at work and attempting to study. and getting fed with calorie loaded bah-zhang made by my grandma. sigh. :D RANDOMNESS. my rubber duckie and the wretched calculator. raggedy muse 10:02 PM still, after all this time. i love you miss you 在孤单中忍住伤心 and doubt it'll stop too soon so i guess i'll just wait. _______for something. :( ___________:) raggedy muse 6:43 PM This ain't a movie no No fairy tale conclusion ya'll It gets more confusing everyday Sometimes it's heaven sent Then we head back to hell again Maybe we'll live and learn Maybe we'll crash and burn Maybe you'll stay, maybe you'll leave, maybe you'll return Maybe we won't survive But maybe we'll grow We're just ordinary people We don't know which way to go And i forget just why i taste Oh yeah, i guess it makes me smile I found it hard, it's hard to find Oh well, whatever, nevermind If I could, then I would I'll go wherever you will go Way up high or down low I'll go wherever you will go Runaway with my heart Runaway with my hope Runaway with my love raggedy muse 10:38 AM woooooo the week is miraculously over!!! now 2 more days to liberation! liberated to do what though. hmmmm sighhhhh well, at least there won't be studying!! now now, what should i do after exams. free time can be intimidating. increases tremendously the chances of a roaming mind. grrr. waiting for dental at 12. ate choc ice cream! my dentist is going to scream, heh heh. now to worry about the rest of exams. but for now, its nice and quiet in the classroom, with meiyi waiting for me to go eat with her. hee. and illegally playing ordinary people. whee. realised that i don't talk about the exams that have passed. no use doing so, so unconsciously, i just don't. its been handed up and no way of reversing my set fate. lala. raggedy muse 7:18 AM bahhhhh. stress. i love physics. wheeeeeeeee. got dental later. wonder if the tightening wil hurt. >< trying to relax LAST TEST OF THE WEEK>> WISH ME LUCK raggedy muse 10:51 PM oh yeah. giving up on physics. we're just ordinary people, we don't know which way to go, cos we're just ordinary people, may be we should take it slow.. this time we'll take it slow.. time acts a buffer, acts a link time is relative, and yet the clock ticks the same time is the all-dissolving agent, and shows that not everything is dissolvable sometimes we wish with all our hearts that time will crawl sometimes we want it to accelerate sometimes it passes us by in a flash and sometimes it just stops. now its time to sleep. raggedy muse 5:29 PM fever.. im on fire, what a lovely way to burn be it fahrenheit or centigrade. whee. 5 down, 3 to go. physics tmr. NO MORE CHEM FOREVER. wahaha. i dont mind history, and well ss is in our everyday lives as a active participating singaporean. grins. in trepidation for chinese and math, but well, VERY SOON, it shall be over. its always this way. and then we can legitamately dump all that we have crammed into our heads over the span of a few days. for me that is, it was a few days. hee. time to take stock. (like offred in handmaid's, woo) 16 years in the running and still running in company of few but substantial good friends basically pretty self-assured (thank god) thriving in suitable amounts of attention still a slacker in stuff i consider of less significance, but do what i have to do no doubt been very considerably lucky for my 16 years for i know what i like doing, and that is hard to come by for many for many opportunities have presented themselves to me for i have a happy family and lots of food and ice cream to eat i look forward to what is to come up next am suceeding step by step to counter confusion and angst (and hopefully won't be thwarted. feelings still in existence, still would like to ask though, what now? but well.) i have to date, no substantial regrets (i feel i did what i needed to do, and therefore, no regrets) all around, i have been very blessed. very very blessed. no i am not religious, but not only religion can fuel you to appreciate what you have been endowed with. and many of us, like me, are very very lucky, and sometimes, you don't have to and should not have to look too far to realise that. delight in simple things and make light of your troubles. (the key to our dear hobbits of the shire's carefree and happy attitude) wahaha, why do i sound so politically correct and oddly.. inspirational, but well. GRINS. everyone and someone, smile. PHYSICS AWAITS. 4 more hours till 10, 5 more till 11, either of which will be knock-out time. bounces around can't remember how to calculate all the stuff in circuits. gahh. CONCENTRATE. don't want to let thiock down now. grins. no i am not in love with him, but well, everyone loves thiock. hurray. won't we all miss him now that there isn't any more physics, sobs. HEE HEE. wonder how fang and sian did in 3rd lang orals. hahaha. auf weidersehen and sayonara. raggedy muse 10:26 PM TRIBUTE TO MY PRECIOUS. goodbye my love, for your pages have run out. whee. i proudly present ze cover-page, which i added on to cover the ugly one it came with. BUT i love the pages. see all the randomness and ideation. wahahaha. mavis's random additions to my book. lovely sitting partner she is. angsty and unpredictable sometimes, but nonetheless, adorable. yay. ice cream cravings in class the original poem. popped out of my head in class. mich lai's drawings. i loved it. :D YAY. MAO ZHU XI! more random drawings. less-happy times. i LOVE math. (rite) XD ON TO THE NEXT ONE. :D i give up on chem. hope im prepared enough. whee. raggedy muse 4:02 PM grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. why do i have to ____ it? why do i have to ____ it ______? gahhh, guess i just do. tears hair out breathe in......... breathe out.............. haha, i find myself comical. OH COME ON. rawr. pounds head on table raggedy muse 1:47 PM 2 down 6 to go. whee. CHEM TMR. very screwed for it. shaky concepts don't help, plus some chem tcher saying that it is really hard, and you might not pass it even if you study. ?!. save me. im not gonna bother abt lit even until maybe much later. cant study much since its unseen anyway. its a nice day, after sitting alone on the bus, walking all the way home alone, under the very bright but not very hot sun, you reach home early(well earlier than usual), and well, its feels.. serene. peaceful. great to sleep. ...zzzz.... i think i'll go nap for a while. :D why do i feel as if some people are running away from me, even for no apparent reason that i can conjure up of in my convoluted mind, hmmmmmmm. i think i am thinking too much. haha. we'll see, we'll see. CHEM AWAITS. i got a new doodle book! and like 6 new markers to go with it. splurged at school popular. :P. the old ones ran out of ink. wonder why. hee. i shall be making a tribute for my old precious soon, and let it have a state burial in my weird storage boxes along with my many other doodle books, my chinese opera/act 3 memorabilia, chinese drama footage(wince), errr my lit essay that got full marks (HEY, its a RARE specimen) and miscellanous. whee. ta! raggedy muse 11:03 PM let everything tug around there inside, and it will eventually work out. someway, somehow. i look forward to that day. yay. I GIVE UP ON SS FOR THE DAY. shall wake up early tmr to consolidate. nites loves. and cheer up, kaes. :) raggedy muse 10:03 PM for anyone interested in the situation of the globe, here's a site with highly thought-provoking animation by the UN. Human development trends 2005 in animation. http://hdr.undp.org/statistics/data/ there is a hundred fold difference in the 2 extremes of gdp income, and child mortality rate, in the world. raggedy muse 5:03 PM TMR THERE IS SS. wahahaha. bleah. our whole class is highly confused now. everybody thought it was going to be economic globalisation with specific regards to singapore, like EVERYBODY. and cc comes to our class today, after missing 2 lessons straight with us and kinda gives the impression that it is not. BLEAH. but pple. i think it isnt, it should be about the bigger picture. like the whole benefits and costs of economic globalisation ON THE WHOLE. whee. ITS OK ZE. it really is. as long as you do your best and don't say that studying hard doesn't work at all. we all can see the hard work you put in. its ok!!! just sprint this final lap and then we hop off to acjc okie? HUGS i tie two plaits with you tmr again ok? hahahahaha. must send me the act cute photos. so bimbo. ><> not exactly in the eoy mood. it isnt that bad lah, just like a little more concentrated then usual. i mean, from 3 or 4 tests previously to 5 or 6 tests a week. CAN. hahahahha. im scared for chinese. freakin 40%. and they say chem is really hard this time. wellllllllllll. i just hope to maintain my gpa. it isnt great, but it'll do. got ss article back. missed 80%. grrr. I WANT 4.0 FOR SS. means must do really well for this stimulus. bleahhh. like err. 14/15? ahhh. impossible. and my lit gpa cant be pulled to above 4.0 no matter how well i do this time. bleah. i think my lit marks now hover around 90+. HAHA. got 24/25 for handmaids!:D:D just lemme brag for once, i only have this to brag about. my other subjs have virtually no chance for 4.0, math, chinese on the verge of going below 2.8. I DON'T WANT BELOW 2.8 I DON'T CARE. started the act 3 post yesterday, didn't finish it, so here it is now. enjoy. since i can't concentrate, i might as well do something that would distract me from my distractions. here's the subject topic of the day: A TRIBUTE TO ACT 3 WHERE I BELONG. though its been a while, a month? but i still miss all the people and fun we had, so i might as well do this. heh. THATS ME!! wahahahaahaha. with make-up costume, hair and my gay yellow fan. now you see why everyone calls me mamasan. for thats exactly what i am. oh yesh, and my 2 inch long fake eyelashes. zoul took like ALOT of pics of me. many of these are courtesy of zoul who developed the photos for us. LOVES. ahhhh, zoul. the one that always makes my hair hard like plastic, the one who makes my make-up the hardest to take off amongst the whole 80-strong cast , and the one that goes "BOO" when he pops his head into the room. remember my wincing and whining each time he sprayed my hair with the dreaded bottle. i had to go home and attempt to literally untangle my hair for 5 days. don't know how much hair dropped. the multi-talented thing that does make-up, hair, makes costume, cheoreographs the numerous dance pieces, and is a psychologist. yes, that is his profession. FREAKY RITE. hahahah. miss zoul. pleasure doing business with you too. :D :D. the rgs cast. all our immaculately preened brides and ANDROOOMYFRANKIEFOO. grins that irritating thing, who likes to imitate the people on stage when he's backstage. yes frankie, I HEARD. you're, really a pain. but still love you. wahahaha. and yes people, if any dramatically sporty camp people see this, he is one of the instructors. haha. you're wig and sunglasses, fit you sooo well. and all my brides, all the sec ones and twos haha, love ya all, and don't have to treat me like a "senior" when you see me around at school. haha. im just miss j. ahh, shanny. i made her do this in chinese class when she was sitting next to me. my kampong girl. heh heh. i must put that pic up sometime. got to take a picture of the pic first. remember the free musical performances by melvin and leening, the perfect combo of two super zai-ded music people on the piano and violin. swoons illegally playing the grand piano backstage. haha. mark and melvin humping backstage, xavier calling me small fry (I AM NOT, why am i so fun to make fun of har?!), kim hallim, all the random people fooling around backstage. HAKIM, our sexy chicken! wahahaha. NUS high peps are super freakishly talented. cant seem to upload the rest of the pics. darn. love you miss nina, joe the-seem-very-dao-at-first-but-actually-super-lamo stage manager, long-haired monster, BRUDDER. hahaahaa. miss lunching and dining in raffles city, MISS RAFFLES HOTEL, now i know the basement of raffles city pretty well thanks to this, and the soup place is actually still there. YAY. its a bit weird to do this now, but i didnt have an avenue for gushing before this. so now i gush. whee. LOVES YA ALL AND WILL NEVER FORGET. <3 What is a youth? Impetuous Fire.. What is a maid, ice and desire, The world wags on, a rose will bloom.... It then will fade: so does a youth, so does the fairest maid.. Comes a time when one sweet smile has a season for a while.... Then love's in love with me. Caper the cape, but sing me the song, Death will come soon to hush us along. Sweeter than honey... and bitter as gall ok, economic globalisation here i come. there is something wrong with the world when incomes and gdp and infant mortality defer ten-fold on the 2 extremes. and singapore, is super loaded. we are. WE ARE LUCKY LUCKY. and i need to stop being so emo-ded. curls up embarrased i think i really just might be fine. yay. until another wave hits. buttttt. OPTIMISM. always look on the bright side of life, whistles i think the guy who sang the song commited suicide though. :P andddd, the english for this entry sucks. ah well, its the singaporean in me LOR. grins. raggedy muse 8:59 PM doing anything but studying. gah. but i always make it, and i will this time too. just this time its not just laziness distracting me. excuses excuses. i really would like to migrate to pain-free times, where all was happy and dandy, not too long ago. like the start of the year. or back to when i was a teeny little kid. or back when i never existed. then again, there have been other times of agony, maybe not as severe, but still i have no doubt walked out of it. no reason to believe i can't now. but then again a nagging sensation tells me, darling, it may not be as easy this time. for it is something foreign. and something stronger. but well, we all have to learn don't we? "well DARLINGG, its your choice. You can either stay, accept the conditions, work hard and send money back home to your little family, where ever it is, or you can STARVE, sleep on the streets, and DON'T earn a single cent! (trademark miss j shrill laughter)"(in pseudo/fake-british accent) hahaha. sorry, the "darling" reminded me of this. hee. rational me has a flashing neon signboard that screams: WARNING: OVER-REACTING, THINKING-TOO-MUCH, DUMB-SYNDROME, SELF-OBSESSED, DON'T-YOU-HAVE-ANYTHING-BETTER-TO-DO flash flash waves signboard above head and desperately tries to catch attention haha. well not much use even if you smash the sign board down on the head of the other me. not that the other me needs more self-induced torment. cease and desist? i will probably smash a real signboard over my head. (nah, i won't) but i will definitely feel worse off. if it can get any worse. and nothing can ever be resolved. if i am to believe time is the all-dissolving agent i need something substantially look-forwadable to look forward to. it used to be well, someone.. and act 3, and now.. all is bleak in sight. well, there might be someone potentially look-forwardable, but too many buts and ifs, so for now, chances are pretty near zero. and do i really want those chances to go up? maybe. i don't know. well adi, you cheer me up whether or not you meant it. :). and U ARE CRAZY. 36 kg?! aiming for 30 kg?! i am NOT FAT. i pretty much like the way i am now, thank you. hahaha. you remind me of the camp times. those were the times.. where, well things weren't so complicated. aiyah, no matter paper or pole or block, still love ya sister. hugs. (and shudders at the paper thin body) and well, there is no need to run away from me. if you were running. it doesn't change anything, for the better, nor for the worse. whatever better or worse is.i am not that naive. neither am i all that weak. so why run? or hide for that matter. am i that undesirable to talk to? as friends? just let everything tug around inside, and see which side hails victor. i think there is till time to study it's never too late. unless it the person or thing is dead and gone or can't be found. or else, its never too late. and it would be a pity, for one to think its too late, and never get down to doing what ever he or she wanted. until it is, truely, too late. and nothing, can be done. raggedy muse 11:59 AM ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh CONCENTRATE gahhhh. put me on a intravenous drip of morphine. raggedy muse 10:48 AM remember romeo and juliet '68 we watched 2 years ago? http://students.ed.uiuc.edu/bach/rnj24/sound68.html "What is a youth" scroll down for mp3. raggedy muse 9:05 PM i want to scream into oblivion, till i am hoarse. raggedy muse 7:06 PM 心中想的，念的，盼的，望的。。。 did math and chem. accomplished some stuff but need to speed up. grr. ------------- pouts. there is just this empty void in me. a void of emptiness. can't say that it wasn't there before, most people have a void too, unless one is perfectly contented and happy. how i wish i could be like one of them. its just the void is accentuated now. as if someone punctured it more. and sometimes, that emptiness, just seems to corrode you, and engulf your world, momentarily. sometimes it seems as if it were a black hole, that sucks everything inside, and never stops. an endless and bottomless vacuumm. i manage to pull myself out most of the time, by the edge, but its always there, swirling and ravenous, and it does not seem to be highly willing to let me forget its presence. will cement be able to fill it in? it works for most holes and voids. the problem would be how to get it in me. pour it down my throat. ugh. unappetising. i can't pump air into it either. even if i could seal the air in. i would have to inject myself with air, and unfortunately, air bubbles in the bloodstream is fatal, before it even reaches the void. horrible way to die, pumping yourself with air. "i think i left a piece of my heart with you somewhere, and now my heart is missing a piece. if you no longer want it, would you kindly return it to me? you wouldn't have any use for it.. pretty please?" i guess i'll just have to wait for something else to fill it up. something that feeds the hole without limit. feeds me without limit. something that grows on itself, and never runs out. something of which its denial ate a hole into me in the first place. would someone tell me what it really is? or hope it closes itself. vhen ze moon hits ze eye, like a bigg pvizza pie, zats ammoorrree. ---------- no matter what, i am glad that i always have my friends :D, and they, help to fill in the void, at times when i feel as if i am falling in. LOVES YA ALL. and i always feel much much better. :) FINISHED ORGANIC CHEM. at least the basics. woo! I CAN DO THIS. WAHAHAHA. i am hungry. bleah. FEED ME. ~on a silly high~ raggedy muse 9:17 AM its a new day and its mugging time! fresh and focused now, so let's hope it lasts! :D stomach and butt muscles are a little tight from yoga 2 days ago, but that means it it works! wahahaha. abs of steel. 让它随风去。。 MUGＭＵＧMUG raggedy muse 7:02 PM EOYs next week. bleah. gah. it'll all be over soon, and im kinda looking forward to options. my spot in the poly entrepreneurship option is pretty much confirmed. but no other classmates going! there is gonna be more free time though, and wondering wad should i be doing to fill in the blanks. hmmm. maybe i'll start mini projects or think about prom or something. (FAM still seems so far away though) and i sound oddly bimbotic saying this. heh. not even sure why am i pondering about this when i should so be utilising this time to study. but i doubt i'll get anything done today, not in this state. tomorrow is a new day, and i better make use of it. math assgs needed to be completed. chem needs to be studied, my concepts are so shaky. ss needs to be pondered and conceptualised upon to make a convincing arguement. the only thing i am confident about is lit. love lit. but then again, i haven done unseen for super long, and this time its comparing two prose extracts, which hasnt been done before. hope i dont run out of time. lit marks are my only marks that are not depressing. whee. love handmaids tale. "ALL ARE POWERLESS UNDER GILEAD" man, i need to motivate myself. not to worry, i will. i swear. all my friends are trying to help. i was actually doing WORK in FREE TIME and noo started singing "there can be miracles" -.-" hahaahahaha. grr. gah. gagagahhhhh. bllleeeeaaaaahhhhhhh. !@&^&%#$^#R!~~~ all sorts of weird blabbering whiny noises ensue* oh yesh. i realised today that for the first time in the vicinity of 6 years, i am of ACCEPTABLE weight. cool. no more TAF. not as if i really did much in TAF. haa.realised i lost 5 kg since last semester. heh. now wad have i been doing? hmm. nothing really matters，一切已不再重要爱不爱，恨不恨，怪不怪。反正都一片空白 you are my nothing. 你却是我心中唯有的, 空白。ｉｌｏｖｅｙｏｕｆｕｔｉｌｅｍｉｓｓｉｎｇ ohh, did I say that I loathe you? did I say that I want to leave it all behind.. I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind.. my mind..my mind.. til I find somebody new.. Still a little bit of your song in my ear Still a little bit of your words I long to hear You step a little closer to me So close that I can't see what's going on It’s all right, I’m ok,I think God can explain, I believe I’m the same,ｉ get carried away It’s alright, I’m ok,I think God can explain I’m relieved, I’m relaxed, I’ll get over it yet,I’ll get off of your back, raggedy muse 4:23 PM myheartisspeedinglikeonahighway feelingwoozy ididnthavetodothattomyselfdidi 被勾起的回忆扰乱我的心波回忆过去痛苦的相思忘不了为何你还来波动我心跳爱你这么难料今夜的你应该明了缘难了情难了 ~some oldies movie theme song~ pangs. throbbing. some one please strap my mind down into a strait-jacket. damn. now im too distracted to study. pounds my head on the table tempered. calm. zen. this, is bad. just when it was getting better. ＧＯ AWAY. shall go to sleep and pray everything goes away. all i want to do now is go to the beach scream into the endless sea and watch everything wash away the waves crashing and retreating crashing, retreating crashing... retreating... raggedy muse 10:11 PM i like to listen to my is play her guitar and sing along. she's good at it. something i couldn't achieve when i tried. heh. feel accomplished from actually getting some work done at far east bk with zerui. woo. MATH. i just might be able to pass. barely. sis was telling me bout her school's certain incident. well, the school was warned severely on a highly serious issue. a certain all-girls school. here comes the eternal sin... 2 GIRLS.... HUGGING IN PUBLIC. oooooooo. tsk tsk. now what on earth made them do that?! certain members of the public happily reported it to the school, and a big lecture ensues. reminds me of hmmm, certain members of public having taken certain photos of a certain girl in a certain school uniform with a certain someone doing certain things. and certain warnings. oh no. am i being targeted already?! for hugging fang and zerui in public! (something i do pretty often in fact, oops) OH SIN. (grins) O.o --- take comfort, everyday, in the knowledge that you are alive and well. tension of opposites. push and pull. one can't be appreciated without the other. one is meaningless without the other. its forever a game of tug-and-war with heart and mind. wonder how they haven been torn into many many little tiny pieces, when there are so many issues being tugged around and torn apart. let it tug around in there for a while, and lets see which side hails victor. sleep time! :D raggedy muse 5:19 PM dreamy boo! the whale has officially stolen my fangfangfang's shoulders in the bus. i owe my math teacher 4 assignments :D. now applaud for me. love my math tcher, but not crazy about math. i refuse to do it, sub-consciously, until i absolutely have to. so that is what i have to do now. dreamt about a certain someone yesterday night. can't remember what we were doing though. some kind of journey, or adventure of sorts. and i vaguely remembered my mom appearing somewhere. hee. i think i dreamt in blue. if i remember correctly. trying to analyse my dreams now, ever since i read the readers digest article. not making any headway. HOW TO KEEP A DREAM DIARY (from memory since i cant remember where the article is): - ponder about the issue you would like some answers to, or where a decision is needed, or any significant happenings in your life, right before sleep in bed. - sleep :D and wait for a dream - it is advisable to awake naturally, so choose a weekend or holiday to do this -when you awake, do not rise immediately, but lie in the same position for a while (sometimes the position has something to do with the dream) and come up with a title for your dream immediately, so that the trigger keywords will help you remember your dream later. - jot down immediately anything you remember about the dream, your feelings etc. - then rack your brains and try to decipher what you are trying to tell yourself. yay. dream a little dream of me. still a little bit of you laced, with my doubt step a little closer to me so close i can't see what's going on this link was on sianying's blog, found it beautiful, yet sad. http://www.blueblanket.net/Steph/Make/Visual/Perfect/ raggedy muse 5:20 PM 雨天天空又在哭泣泪洒满地无怨无悔的回忆抱在怀里，放弃烙在地底的泪迹只能随着雨，流离我的心，也跟着滴 ~my creation for rainy day blues~ was experiencing a bout of rainy day blues a while ago, but i think its getting better now, as the sky clears up as well. year-old insecurities seem to be seeping back a little, but i know its not good, so i won't let it get to me. 2 more weeks to liberty, and its the final lap. cant wait!!!!!!!!!! then i can be smug and point and laugh at all the people who are mugging for o's. well, i do have higher chinese paper, and math continues, buuuttttt.. POINTS AND LAUGH AT THE O LEVEL PEOPLE nah, just kidding. lots of act 3 peps taking o's and the best friend is too, so ALL THE BEST. :D should get down to studying. bleah. eng expo tmr. should i tackle global city, science and ethics, identity? no way am i touching family again with that horrible essay i did not too long ago. raggedy muse 10:45 PM ooooohhh you do love her a lot don't you. hugs. oral was a little screwy today. got audrey chen and some other tcher who looked really grumpy and in dire need of sleep. but they weren't mean at all, the grumpy tcher still like nodded in agreement with the stuff i said. but didnt say all that i could have. should have so much more to say about dreams and aspirations. ORAL DOWN. 2 WEEKS(and 1 day) OF EOYs TO GO. kinda unprepared for physics spa tmr, but well, i'll just wing it i guess. in no mood to study, bleah. bblllleeeeaaahhhhhh. eyelids closing upon me, but it's hard to get to sleep fast nowadays. maybe i should change the direction of my bed to like alter the feng shui or something. would that help? dreams are reconstructions, creations, of images, events that might, will, or did happen. they reflect your innermost thoughts, fears, desires. the colours of the dreams actually mean something, but it defers for everyone. dreams are like in-built theraphy and psycho sessions. they prepare, they heal. (i did read this from reader's digest, or at least the gist of it) so everyone, start sleeping more, at least try to, and dreaming more. when someone says sleep on it, it makes absolute sense. shall try my absolute best to fall asleep now. and not, to think about you. raggedy muse 7:40 PM luurrvvee is in the air Dory : You mean ... you mean you don't like me? Marlin : No, of course I like you. It's because I like you I don't want to be with you. It's a complicated emotion. -Finding Nemo (contributed by alvin) hahaha. imagine those whimsical characters saying these.with dory's "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". hahaha. well more things have happened, but this time its a little more up-beat news. heh heh heh. it was coming, but im glad it really did materialise in the end. would have been a damn shame if it did not. (like something else.) they have given me faith, that, it really can be that simple, and you really can let your heart lead the way. it doesnt really matter that much how it turns out later (sorry for being a damper, but im sure we're all aware that well, all may not turn out as we wish it to be), but really the gi-normous fact that they are willing to place their hearts out, to embrace and not to deny. tears, this is so touching :P hahaha, i make it sound like such a big deal. but really, it is. small,teeny, maybe even inconsequential to many, but yet so big.(wahahahaha) but amongst this part- cheery, part bitter-sweet atmosphere, im a little sad. just purely because of the contrast it brings about. it might get harder. but its okay. if they are happy, I AM HAPPY. wheeeee. i love you all. you know that. i will not, i swear, let the envy get the better of me. :P NOW THE TASK ON HAND IS TO GET ME SOMEONE! WAHAHAHA. haha, kiddin lah. such things can't and should not be forced. and we shall just let nature take its sometimes hate-able course, and let life hurl itself upon you, for there is only so much we can do, isn't it? i can't take my mind off you, can't take my mind off you, mind off you.. til i find someone new (easier said then done) fell in love with this song when i heard it on channel 5's trailer for LOST some time ago. just found out who was it sung by by chance. now i really need to head back into reality, where tons of catching up in studies is needed, which i have refused to touch over the prolonged national day hols, (well, kill me now). but well, the bona-fide last minute worker i am will not fail to pull through till the end (AND THE END IS NEAR :D) i swear, im terrible. not to worry, once i feel the pressure of the eoys, i will succumb to its pressing need.(its a wonder i still havent felt the pressure acutely) COME ON EOYS, I'LL TAKE YOU LIKE A MAN. pouts let not age, status, money, pride, nor past, deter love. you only live once, so why agonise. raggedy muse 2:53 PM oh yes life is beautiful, no matter how crappy it can get sometimes. and we just have to open our eyes and see, and hold faith. believe, in yourself, and be happy. smile. raggedy muse 10:31 AM so you sailed away, into a grey sky morning... raggedy muse 10:30 AM raggedy muse 10:57 PM fireworks. back from fireworks. mmm, wasnt as good this time, crushed in the sweltering crowd. but still managed to enjoy it a little, though this time it didnt put that brilliant a smile on my face. mmm. maybe cos of the lack of companionship (its ok sian :)), and well, reminders. the fireworks were still pretty though, the final gold splash was spectacular. if only i were nearer. but the kids next to me were amusing. the boy with the handphone videoing the fireworks and his sister. "oh man, wish i had the sony K800(or some model number). it would be so much clearer" (i think the boy's about 9-10?) and the sis goes, "i wish i had a stool." hahaha. maybe i shouldnt traverse around the night-lit cityhall area too much now. "look, drain!" again, some people got vip seats. not to worry, i wont be jealous. heh heh. just have a sudden gush of grateful-ness to the people around me. i love you all. fang, mich, zerui, alvin, shan, noo, sian etc etc. now what would i do without all of u? hugs :D when oh when can i truly get over u, would someone tell me please. raggedy muse 10:55 AM ON PATRIOTISM i love singapore. i do. why? COS THIS IS WHERE I BELONG.(wahahahahaha, loves act3whereibelong) i mean, no matter how people say its hot, education is too demanding, we have got no freedom of expression to speak of, we're politically stale (now does anyone know of another party other than PAP, raise your hands! hmmm. i think i remember the Labour Front under David Marshall.) but hey. we're first class citizens, (boo linda lim for saying some feel as if we are "second-class citizens"), and this is where we were born, like it or not, this is OUR tiny piece of soil. we are accepted here, like no where else can ever accept us. like miss leow said, when you are abroad, whether you integrate or try to retain your own heritage, you'll by scorned by someone. so i rather be comfortable around here, in slippers,with daddy, sis, ah gong ah ma, and scout around the hawker centres and order a whole slew of sometimes unhealthy dishes, from har kway teow to pasta, then hmm, i think i want satay.we're not perfect, no doubt. but i love u anyhow. not that i don't want to go abroad and lets say study or work, but.. there's no place like home, there's no place like home click the red ruby slippers heels currently in no mood study, even though the eoys are chasing up with me so fast its flames seem to be licking my heels, but ahhhhhhh. i just want to watch fireworks. let the eoys come, and then i'll face it like a man. bleah. i think i'll start with history. easier, just read the notes. and well world war and hitler aint all that boring. i desperately need help with math. i am so unwilling to touch my worksheets. lets hope the textbook can save my soul. intergration, differentiation, sketching graphs, BURN. 杀！杀！(from dearest mavis. :D) i'll get over you. i will. i must. for i dont want to be stuck, in something, where theres nothing left, to carry on. 忘不了，也无须忘掉，只需收藏，继续往前奔。 its a beautiful morning. raggedy muse 10:01 PM (just remember i'll be here) time to wave goodbye to all that was flashes of illusion that probably, were never there to pry from my mind and hope to suceede pounds head on table (pouts) ~not meant to be~ BRIGHT & CHEERY forget-me-not STABS notmakinganysenseami i can't and won't forget wash away the torment and agony don't let it break down my defences no longer don't be afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails dive in, over your head even recognise the emotion detachment (wishing everyday were as beautiful as fireworks) emptiness, that will be filled has to be filled so you sailed away, into a grey sky morning its not so bad i may find sometime that you were always right (i am strong. i am weak.) BURST raggedy muse 8:24 PM hmmm. woo. its been AGES since i last had a blog. but well. suddenly had the burst of inspiration to create one. with the help of my sis, or i would have taken ages. wahahaha. am i warped or i am warped. to do this when i so shud be mugging for the eoys that is in 2 WEEKS. ~moodless~ and my sis bursts into sudden laughter across the table. weelllll. bleah. i'll post later i guess. now who cares about eoys. pounds head on table

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